Thursday, March 6, 2014

When I found out I was pregnant one of the first thoughts I had was, “Will I be a good mom?” I wasn’t sure if I was cut out for being a parent. I didn’t know if I could even get through the pregnancy. I think it’s a very natural reaction for a first time mom. There are a lot of emotions I felt once seeing that positive sign on the pregnancy test. I had this weird mix between being completely ecstatic and overjoyed along with sheer terror.

I had no idea what I was doing and I immediately went to books and the Internet for answers to the questions I had. Looking back I wish I had just relaxed and enjoyed those few months of being pregnant, because a lot of the things I worried about were so small in the scheme of things. All the do’s and don’ts of pregnancy seem a little ridiculous. From drinking caffeinated products and eating lunch meat, there are rules for everything these days. But by the end of those nine months I had enjoyed my fair share of turkey sandwiches from the deli and even more delicious cups of fully caffeinated coffee. My son came out perfect and healthy and I wouldn’t have done anything differently.

A huge fear I had wasn’t only the long term of being a parent. It was the thought of child birth. Water birth, natural birth, home birth, there were so many different ways to give birth to a baby. I think I was more worried about people who would be watching a human being come out of my body. And as for birth plans and first time moms, be realistic. You really have no idea what your body is going to do until it’s put into that situation. If I had any say in it I would have had a quick vaginal birth with the most glorious epidural ever created by man. In the plan somewhere I would have also included the fact that I wanted my baby to come out and be a nursing champion. Be real people, you have absolutely no control of what your body is going do to, or that baby. I now have a 4 inch scar on my bikini line from my Cesarean Section and a formula fed baby because he refused to nurse. When my son was first born society made me feel a little bit like a failure for both of those things. Almost nine months later, looking at my son, none of those things matter. It doesn’t matter at all to me how he was brought into this world. It doesn’t matter to me how many hours I was in pain before the decision was made to have a Cesarean Section. When I look at him I see nothing but perfection. I see the most beautiful mixture of my husband and myself. My son means more to me than I could ever imagine. Sure, there are times when I wonder how I am going to get through the day. You have no idea the amount of patience you are capable of having until you have a 5 week old screaming bloody murder and nothing you are doing to calm him is helping. Patience is tested, sleep is deprived and life as it was changes forever. With that said I wouldn’t change it for the world.

There are moments in my new mommy life that I question everything I am doing with my son. If I was without the support system I have I’m pretty sure I would have gone crazy by now. My husband has given me the best gift any mom could ask for. He has given me the ability to stay at home with our beautiful son. That way I can be with him every hour of the day while he grows and learns. I can never thank my husband enough for allowing me to do this. Seeing the changes in our son day to day is amazing. There are some days that I swear I can see a change in his features or his size. He’s growing faster than anyone could have ever warned us.

        I guess if I had to give advice to anyone who is about to have their first child I would tell them to just relax. Don’t wish the time away. Especially when that baby is first born. Some people spend too much time comparing their children to others children or what family and friends say their child should be doing at a certain age. Just relax and enjoy the time you have with your child. Take lots of pictures because in the blink of an eye that baby will be a toddler. I have taken such joy in photographing my son. I love putting together photo albums and being able to look back and see how much his looks have changed in such a short time. Because those first few months go by in such a blur it’s so nice to have tangible proof that your child was actually a new born at one time. At the end of the day time goes by faster than we can imagine, no reason to rush it along. Live in the moment and love with all your heart.